Talking about Talking about "It"

The "it" of this blog isn't what you usually think of-- it's about something even more difficult to mention: the election....

Just typing those words feels subversive. No one's talking about it. The general consensus is, "It's too controversial. It's just going to cause fighting and hurt feelings. Don't talk about it." And these things are true. Yet I'm talking about it anyway. Why? Because doing crazy things keeps me from going insane. Let me explain...

Discussing "the election" (bum, ba dum..) can lead to hurt feelings. It can. That's true. And I don't want to talk about it to cause people to be hurt and offended. It's not worth that-- people are more important than the election, but that's precisely why we have to talk about the election; it's affecting people. It's going to keep affecting people. You, me, all of us. And the way you voted affects me, and the way I vote affects you, so at the next go round, let's all vote in ways that can help all of us.

And I think that's the underlying premise that's false and has to be exposed. We are all operating on the underlying assumption that it's "us" versus "them." I have to do everything I can to protect myself from "them" because they're trying to take my _____________ (fill in the blank with whatever you want: gun rights, civil rights, jobs, dignity, free speech rights, tax money, etc.) It's "us" versus "them" because because only one of us can have our way and the other one can't, Right? Wrong. That's not true. It's not. But that's a topic for another blog another day. The topic of this blog today is whether or not our country can talk about talking about "it."

One of the most difficult things about processing the results of the November 2016 election is to watch just how divided our country became over these candidates, both before and after the election. Before the election, I was okay with people disagreeing with me because I was probably going to be proven "right" in the end, so it didn't really matter if people agreed with me anyway. Now I feel bad. I was wrong, and I see how much more complex the situation is than one side or the other getting their way. It's simpler to understand the situation in those terms, but the truth is it's much more complex than that. This election-- this country -- is about more than "left" versus "right." It's time to rise above dogma and principles and policy and talk about something even more important: people. The debate between the left wing and the religious right has to become about more than principles and dogma; it has to be about people, about what's good for people, about what helps people, about what lifts them up--out of poverty, out of prejudice, out of rigid or dogmatic thinking, out of judgement, out of condemnation, out of ignorance, out of the ruts that this country is in and onto a higher road.

And here's the thing about those ruts-- they're pretty deep, but they're taking us nowhere. My country right now is like a tin man on two legs. One of those legs is being operated by a man in the tin man's brain who wants to go one way, and he controls the right leg. A different man in the tin man's brain wants to take the tin man another way, and he controls the tin man's left leg; and as the two men in the tin man's brain fight and disagree about which direction should go, the tin man ends up making no progress at all, and looking pretty ridiculous to the outside world as one "side" uses its "leg" to kick and hurt the other... It'd be funny if it wasn't so sad.

And here's the problem with when these two men fight-- they're carrying all of us with them. We have to decide and agree, as a country, where do we want to go? And we can't come to that agreement by not talking. We can't. So yes, we shouldn't talk while we're going to fight and be angry and be hurt and judgmental. But when we're done being all of those things-- and we'll have to stop at some point-- we need to talk. Because each of us have a leg in this monster, and we have to decide where we're going, and I'm pretty sure that if we talk, we'll be able to come to a win-win situation, a situation that's good for everyone. And I do believe, that at the end of the day, the two sides can agree on a few minimum, important premises:

1.) People matter.
2.) We'll accomplish more through cooperation than division.
3.) The principles of freedom, free speech, and justice that our country's founding fathers outlined in our constitution that has helped the USA be one of the best places to live on earth.

Like many people on the night that Trump won, my initial reaction was to flee, Leave this country, and get away from the "ignorant, arrogant, self-righteous right" that could just elect such a bombastic jerk as the leader of the free world. Yes, I'm one of those cliches. But here's the thing, I'm not. In looking more closely at the "religious right" that elected Trump to power, there should be a lot of things I have in common with those voters: I'm a born-again Christian. I'm from small-town USA. I agree with the Republican platform that people should work for wages, when able. I believe in hard work, in earning  and keeping the rewards that come from hard work, I believe that people should take responsibility for their actions, and I  believe that overall the government's role is to protect the individual's rights and property and not control or dictate the way people should live. And holding all of these beliefs, it never once occurred to me to consider Trump as a viable candidate for the presidency of the United States of America. Never. And it stunned and astounded me that a "majority" of our country could see him so differently than I did. It left me wrestling with an important question: Is half of our country a bunch of ignorant, racist, jerks? It would be easy to answer that question with a "yes," and sit around nursing my wounds after the results of the election; but I don't want to do what's easy. I want to do what's true. And the truth is, I know the people who voted for Trump. I know they're not arrogant, racist jerks. They were telling me all along they were voting for Trump, and I wasn't talking to them about it because I wasn't talking about the election. It was too risky; it could cause hurt feelings. And now I feel as though I've found myself in a riskier place-- with Donald Trump as the President of the United States of America. And I wished I had talked to those people then, and I'm not going to make that mistake again. So I have to start with where I am.

And the truth is that not everyone in this country feels the way I do about Donald Trump's election. Some people are really happy and hopeful about the results of this election, and it's time for me to start listening to what it is they have to say, regardless of how difficult it is to understand or comprehend. Here's the thing, I need to listen to what they have to say precisely because it's the most difficult position and point of view for me to understand. Because how can I expect them to care about my concerns and perspective, if I'm not willing to do the same? I can't. And this blog is about the way to the higher road, about lifting the tin man out of his ruts, and getting the left and right legs cooperating. And reaching out to those that are the most difficult to understand is exactly what we have to do to heal as a nation.

Because here's the thing about the two sides; they don't understand each other (not to overstate the obvious.) And by not talking about it, we're not going to understand each other. And some of you reading this might say, "I don't have to understand 'them.' They're _______________." (fill in the blank with whatever judgement you're making: ignorant, liberals, unreachable, whatever.) And making that judgement is the easy way out of forgetting one important premise we all agree on: People Matter. It doesn't matter if they're ignorant, they're an ignorant person. It doesn't matter if they're a so-called "liberal." They're a liberal person. It doesn't matter if their black, they're a black person. It doesn't matter if they're Muslim, they're a Muslim person. It doesn't matter if they're an illegal immigrant, they're an illegal immigrant person. It doesn't matter if they're racist, they're a racist person. Replacing the judgement you're making about that person takes away their humanity, and in stripping another person of their humanity, you're stripping yourself of some of your humanity, too. We have to extend the idea of personhood and humanity to every single person on the planet, not for their sake, but for ours. Because the minute I strip them of their dignity and worth, I strip myself of something important, too.

And you may not agree with that statement, yet, but stick with me, here.

Because here's the thing about that "other" side that you're dismissing: they share one important trait with you that you both have in common-- they believe they are right. Just like you do... Just like every other major social movement of our time: the civil rights movement, Marxism, socialism, the Republican Tea Party, the Nazis, the followers of Malcom X, the followers of  Muslim extremism, the followers of Ghandi, the followers of Christ, the crusades, the followers of Dr. Martin Luther King, the list could go on and on. Now some of you reading this are really upset that I've mixed up some of those things with some of those other things, but the truth is that those movements that have proven themselves to be truly good and ethical share one thing in common with those that history has judged to be hurtful and in error-- all of these movements were enacted by people who were sure they were RIGHT! And so are you...

So that list pretty much ensures that feeling like you're right, can't be enough. I don't want to simply feel like I'm right. I want to be sure that I'm right. If I'm going to be putting my time, energy, and effort into a movement or a side or a political party or a vote, I need to be sure that I don't merely feel right. I need to be sure I am right. How can I be sure? By doing the hard, difficult, high-road thing: talk to someone who holds the opposite point of view from you. Not to talk to prove them wrong and yourself right; but to talk to understand, to consider and evaluate and empathize. If you sort out the list above from the movements that actually helped lift people up versus the ones that tore people down, the one deciding factor is empathy. Christ, Gandhi, and Dr. Martin Luther King truly understood and cared about their opponent. They truly wanted what was best for their opponent. Dr. Martin Luther King knew that when a white man looked at a person of dark skin and saw that person as less human than himself, the white man was dehumanizing himself, too. Gandhi knew that when the British were exposed to the actually harm they were really causing in India, the British would grow in their humanity, just as the repentant white supremacist grew in his humanity by shaking off his formerly held ideals of racial supremacy. Christ, Gandhi, and Dr. Martin Luther King considered their opponent, and came up with plans and solutions that would allow both themselves and their opponent to rise from that situation as better people. The Nazi didn't care so much about a Jew or a gypsy. The Muslim Extremist doesn't care so much about the girl who wants to go to school or the woman behind the burka. So you have to ask yourself if you care, too.

If we want to avoid the errors of "rightness" that have plagued humanity since the beginning of time, it truly does come down to loving our neighbor, and even more so, to loving our enemy; although followers of Christ by association are required to fulfill this last requirement more so than a non-believer necessarily would be. Even more reason for the "religious right" to reach out to understand the feelings and ideas of the "left." If they don't want to do that, they should lay down the mantle of Christ that they use as justification for their other actions-- holding other people to their ideals of abortion or LGBT or other issues that are being used to trigger divisiveness and that keep us from dialoguing respectfully with each other. But that's a blog for another day, too..

Back to "Talking about Talking about "It.'" The word "respect" deserves some special consideration as I urge my fellow neighbor to reach out to their fellow neighbor. The "spect" in "respect" comes from the Latin root for "see," and the prefix "re-" means "again." When we show respect for another person, we "see again" from another person's point of view. And that's what I'm asking my nation to do-- to see the values that they're holding "again" from someone else's point of view. Especially if their value, belief, principle, or moral affects someone else in this country. If it doesn't, then don't bother being "respectful." But odds are, if we're fighting about it-- which we are-- it's because it affects them in some way, and if I want to be sure I'm right, and not just feel right, then I need to look again at my position, from my neighbor's point of view, and truly understand what it is I'm asking them to do.

And a lot of you may feel that you've done that already, and yet here is our country in this stalemate. So I'm asking you to do more than read a few articles or a few blogs or do a quick Google search on an opponent's point of view. I'm asking you to get to know someone, an actual person, who is different from you. Actually get to know them. It doesn't mean you have to agree with them. It just means you need to care about them and understand them and take a step out of a rut and onto a higher road. Because maybe something you were really, certainly, convinced was "right" doesn't look so "right" to them, and you need to know that about yourself because you'll be a better person afterward, and our country will be a better place, and you'll be part of making that change happen. And if you reach out to them, really get to know them, then maybe--just maybe-- they'll consider your point of view, too. And in that process they could become a better person, too.

But we won't force people into making those changes. We have to "Be the change you want to see in the world," and then let the rest of the world decide if they're going to change or not. But their change is their problem. You can only start with you. I can only start with me. It's not until I control me, do all I can do, that I can ask someone else to do something, too. And even then, I have to accept that they might say, "No." Christ went to the cross because it was all that He could do-- it was the best He had to give, and when He went, He knew that some people would reject His sacrifice. Yet he found the just the chance of going for them worth doing anyway. It's the same for our country-- asking a hurt person, to reach out and understand the person who hurt them is a difficult thing to ask, but the healing of our nation is worth it.

Now granted, holding up Christ as a role model in this situation is a pretty high ideal, but at least half of the country is professing to be a follower of His, and in lifting up that Name and that Ideal, they need to lift up their actions, too. Or sit down and shut up. Followers of Christ can't have it both ways-- professing to follow Him, but not show it in their actions. Either reach out in love and understanding, or stop forcing His ideals on people who have already clearly communicated they don't wish to be believers. God gave them that right to choose. It's not yours to take away. Respect it and stop using government as a bully pit. (Also a blog for another day... )

Here an example of a way that reaching out can be used to cause possible change: A man I knew one time got "white pride" tattoos on the backs of his arms while he was in prison as a young man. It's easy to be angry and incensed at this message and make judgments about his character, but the truth is that he's just like the rest of us-- doing what he thought was the "right" thing at that time and place, based off of the information he had at the time, and the social group he was surrounded by. This man could have been ridiculed, bullied, yelled at and judged for his choice, but he never, ever would have changed his  mind because he was certain what he did wasn't wrong.

Yet, eventually, he did change. And here's what happened: years went by, and this "ex-con" went on to become rehabilitated, learn a trade, and become a successful business owner. One day, one of his customers was a black man. This man was extremely personable, likable, and worthy of respect. Meeting this black man had such an effect on the business owner, that he sought out laser tattoo removal and underwent the process of getting those words taken off of his body. He had "seen them again" from someone else's point of view. And that's what we need to do, too-- see the things we do and say from someone else's point of view.

It is worth noting here that a big part of this man's transformation came about as a change in his social group, and we need to reach out to make those changes too. We aren't changed because someone yells at us, or judges us, or bullies us. Those things don't affect us because in the face of them, we can be sure we are right. To be changed, we have to be exposed to new information, a new perspective, a perspective that matters and is worth caring about. If we really want to change someone's mind, we have to reach out and do it through their hearts...

When we're ready. If you're still hurt, angry, resentful, take the time you need to calm down. Give yourself time to heal because you can't care for another person if you don't care for yourself, too. But give yourself something to look toward, to do to help yourself move forward.

That "other" side, with its opposite beliefs, came to hold those beliefs, not out of ignorance or out of a desire to be willfully evil or willfully hurtful to another's feelings, but out of a judgement--based off of the best evidence available to them at the time-- that they're right. The Trump Voter didn't go to sleep one night and then wake up the next morning deciding, "You know what? I think I want to be a racist. What's the most hurtful, racist thing I can do today?" They didn't. And the Hillary Clinton Voter didn't go to bed one night and wake up the next morning saying, "You know what? I think our country needs more crooked politicians. How can I get more crooked politicians into office?" They didn't. They considered the situation they found themselves in in this country, and they weighed the pro's and con's of each, and they placed a vote for the person whom they thought would take the country forward.

Maybe if you can really move across the aisle, or across the picket line, or across the Facebook divide, or whatever it is, and truly seek to understand, we can all heal and move forward. I'm starting today with this blog. And a few hours later, I feel better already...